Goin’ fishin’

I recently read an interview with Jessica Alba, in which she claims to have a muffin top (plus cellulite and stretch marks). Bitch, please. Don’t try to act like you’re one of us.

I hate, hate, hate when slim women fish for compliments. “I am so fat,” one of my friends always sighs, while pinching the 0.01 inch of fat on her belly. I, meanwhile, am supposed to react with horror and assure her that she is not, indeed, fat (oh, the humanity!).

Being fat, after all, is something no one aspires to (except those women who cater to chubby chasers and eat 10,000 calories a day — but that’s a whole ‘nother story).

I understand that everyone has their own insecurities, but calling yourself fat when you’re a size 2 just makes me feel even shittier about myself. If you think you’re fat, what the hell does that make me? Morbidly obese? Venturing into whaleaphant territory?

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What I’m thinking when a skinny girl calls herself fat

I rarely say anything when a woman makes comments like that. I just play the role of the dutiful friend and act shocked that she would even suggest such a thing, because those complaints are always unfounded. There have been a few times, however, when I’ve retorted with something like, “If you’re fat, then what does that make me?” Usually, the person will then avoid eye contact and change the convo. Mission accomplished.

Until you’ve had to endure the embarrassment of breaking a chair (true story) or waddling your way into a plus-size department, you have no right to bitch about your weight to a fat girl. It’s just cruel.

(Side note: When I Googled “derogatory terms for fat people,” it came back with whaleaphant. I’m pretty sure that’s my new favourite word.)

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